On the red carpet
Who are you wearing?
"A black cover. Gold letters. One of one. Nobody else will be wearing this tonight, because there is only one."
The book, arriving with its plus-one, a glass of whisky.
The envelopes, please
0 of 8 envelopes opened tonight. 5 opened by everyone so far.
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Best Book Nobody Bought
A category with no competition, because the competition was also the book.
The nominees
- Dad, Look – I Wrote A Book!
- Dad, Look – I Wrote A Book! (barely touched)
- Dad, Look – I Wrote A Book! (again)
- Also Dad, Look – I Wrote A Book!
And the award goes to…
Dad, Look – I Wrote A Book!
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Best Price
A tough year for prices. Every nominee is exactly the same amount.
The nominees
- $1,000,000
- One million dollars
- 1,000,000 USD
- A lot
And the award goes to…
$1,000,000
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Best Plot
Nobody has read it, so the judges went with their gut. Not that one.
The nominees
- Undisclosed
- "Kind of a funny story"
- Guts
- Glory
And the award goes to…
Undisclosed
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Best Supporting Chocolate
Included with every purchase. Purchases so far: none.
The nominees
- The chocolates
- The other chocolates
- The beers (wrong category)
- The book
And the award goes to…
The chocolates
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Best Performance in a Waiting Role
A gripping performance. Nothing happens, for months, and you can't look away.
The nominees
- The book, on the shelf
- The author, refreshing his inbox
- The $10 bid
- The cat
And the award goes to…
The author, refreshing his inbox
-
Most Websites Built to Sell One Book
The only nominee. Also the only person who would do this.
The nominees
- The author (30 websites)
And the award goes to…
The author (30 websites)
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Best Limited Edition
All four nominees are the same physical object. The judges checked.
The nominees
- The first edition
- The only edition
- The last edition
- The edition you can buy at dad-look.com
And the award goes to…
The only edition
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Lifetime Achievement
For a lifetime of being one copy. It has never been anything else.
The nominees
- Dad, Look – I Wrote A Book!
And the award goes to…
Dad, Look – I Wrote A Book!
Lifetime Achievement
The acceptance speech
Accepting on behalf of the book: the author. Sound on.
- Wow. I didn't prepare anything.
- (He unfolds a very long list.)
- I'd like to thank my dad, who still hasn't looked.
- The cat, for sitting next to the book every single day.
- The person who bid $10. You know who you are. I don't.
- My printer, for stopping at one copy.
- And whoever buys this book: I will thank you in person, with beers and chocolates.
- Oh, and the price, before I forget, the price is one million
- (The orchestra plays him off.)
Voted by you
People's Choice: best part of the book
One vote per browser. Every nominee is attached to the same book.